Blood is thicker than water

By nature, the majority of us are gregarious, wishing to spend our time in the company of family and friends.

We seek counsel and guidance from our elders, emotional comfort and warmth, joy and self-affirmation when a new arrival means a fresh face and continuity of the family line.

Yet despite all the above, it is sadly very common that family and intimate relationships are among some of the most difficult, potentially destructive and even toxic experiences some of us experience.

They leave us questioning our own set of values, and it is not unusual for family members to be estranged for years, decades and even a lifetime, the initial bond somehow never recovering from the initial fracture.

There are several reasons behind this, some appearing obvious, others more complex. Unfortunately, time does not stand still. So, if the dynamics of a relationship do not evolve, this can lead to friction. Consider the parent who still treats their adult child like a teenager, calling into question their decisions and lifestyle choices, because it does not fit in with their expectations or individual set of values.

Imagine sibling rivalry, which may have started out as gentle healthy competition, yet which descends into bitter one-upmanship as the years go on.

Picture the couple where one gently acquiesces to the others wishes in whatever manner, yet this gesture isn’t reciprocated.

Perhaps the most important thing in any relationship is self-respect. Looking after your own physical and mental health means you will be in tune with others.

All relationships are a two-way street. In any adult interaction, both parties need to be able to treat the other with the respect they would hope to receive themselves.

Listening is as important as talking, perhaps more so. We have two ears but only one mouth for a reason.

It is all right not to agree with the other person’s viewpoint. If we all thought the same, the world would be a very boring place. Yet, accepting what is right for you might not be right for someone else, is one of the keys to acceptance, tolerance and understanding.

Accept what has been. The past cannot be changed. Ruminating on it and the unfairness of previous presumed injustices will only leave you miserable and a slippery slope to anxiety and depression.

Talk to your relatives about what is going on in their lives now. Show genuine and heartfelt interest. Rarely is there any benefit to discussing things that happened twenty years ago.

No one should ever be made the butt of a joke, no matter how minor. This leads to simmering anger in the person on the receiving end.

Perfection does not exist in this life. Your parent was not and is not the perfect mother or father. Similarly, you are not the perfect son or daughter. Yet none of these matters as long as you are both benefitting from the relationship and it is adding to your lives.

Spending time in quality activities is the way to build long lasting memories. Offer to try out the other person’s hobby or passion. You might surprise yourself and find that you also enjoy it.

A healthy family or intimate relationship should never involve a power difference, the threat of, or actual verbal abuse or physical violence. This has descended way past the point of an unhealthy setting into that of toxicity. This is a red flag and is time to seek independent assistance, or if needed remove yourself from the situation entirely.

If none of the above work at all, it may be time to think why not. Is it that one or both parties, do not actually want the relationship to work. This is a difficult place and might actually benefit from a pause and time to reflect.

Counselling either separately or jointly may also be an option. Looking to what you can give, rather than take from a relationship, may be one of the ways through the problem.

“Family and intimate relationships are among some of the most difficult, potentially destructive and even toxic experiences some of us experience.”

“Both parties need to be able to treat the other with the respect they would hope to receive themselves.”

“Perfection does not exist in this life. Your parent was not and is not the perfect mother or father. Similarly, you are not the perfect son or daughter.”

https://giveusashout.org/

https://www.family-action.org.uk/

Dr. Zakariya Waqar-Uddin

General Practitioner

MB ChB, MRCS, DRCOG, MRCGP